Who I really am

There's a wide world also outside of Eurobeat, this is where you discuss it.
Megan188
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Who I really am

Post by Megan188 » Jul 7th, '10, 04:20

A few of you may already know about this, and I really didn't feel like saying this immediately, but after holding it in for a time, I think I'm finally ready to come out.

I am #Infinity.

Before you guys start entering a panic attack, I believe that I should explain why I registered two accounts. "#Infinity" is really just the identity that I go by publically, deceptively representing myself as a boy. In other words, it's my "outward" self. Deep inside, however, I do not, at all, feel like a male psychologically. I happen to be a MTF transgender, and I go by "Megan188" to showcase myself as a girl. Megan is my "inward" and true identity.

When I was a little kid, I was not starkly aware of the fact that I was really a girl. Although I actually found a lot of interest in a variety of girly things, not to mention my favorite color by far is pink, the idea of actually being a girl was inconceivable to me because I was in a boy's body. As a result, I kind of forced myself to "follow the rules" and only try to be a boy. Although I sort of got used to this after a while, I can honestly say that I never really felt passionate about my gender and often felt like I was forcing it when trying to fit in with some of the truly masculine interests of my peers.

However, things really started to change once I hit puberty. After having closed myself off from girls for so many years, I started to appreciate them a lot more, having become sexually attracted to them. Actually, although I later realized that I was bisexual, I originally thought I was straight, probably because my vision of older guys back then was a rather intimidating one. After learning that it was in fact possible to change into the opposite sex, I knew that I desperately wanted to become a girl, but I didn't yet know why.

Now that I've matured several years since then, I can fully say that I very much feel like a bisexual female, inconveniently trapped in a male body. I simply don't get any enjoyment out of my outward gender at all. Psychologically, I feel like a very soft, light, sugary, and delicate person who should clearly look like a woman. It feels like my soul is at tension with my body, which unwittingly represents me in a tougher, far more inaccurate way. It tears me apart mentally, because I feel incredibly awkward having to hide my real identity all the time just to show myself artificially. If I could have just one wish in the world, it would undoubtedly be to become a girl, because having considered this for such a long time now, I know that being female would bring me an indescribable amount of joy and relieve so much of the pain and stress that I've had to put up with all the time in my life.

Feeling like you're a girl stuck in a boy's body is not easy, and most people aren't used to seeing others stating this outloud. As a result, open transgenders are horribly discriminated against, with many stating they'd rather see the person dead than for them to become the opposite sex. It's heartbreaking and sad to me, but unfortunately that's what happens when society just isn't ready to see a deviation from conformity. Honestly, I feel that if there are so many other girls in the world, why can't I be one, too? I don't have any control over whehter I'm born in a male or female body, so why do I have to be oppressively forced to live as a boy just because I was born one, even though I clearly don't feel like one? It makes me feel completely miserable. :cry:

Point is, although I'm still going to disguise myself in my fake male identity for one more year of high school, I wanted to finally come out as a girl online because it incredibly painful having to hold it all in for so long. I know that not all of you guys will be able to stomach everything I stated and may suddenly hate me for it, but if that's how you feel, then so be it. My only true friends, anyway, are the ones who are able to at least somewhat understand what I'm going through and offer support, not outrageous hate. From now on, I'm going to post only under this account, because I want to feel like my true self when I'm online. To me, there is nothing more important in life than to just be yourself, regardless of what other people tell you to be. If you can do what you know is right for yourself, then it feels so much more satisfying to give back to the world.

<3 Megan White

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Post by DarkSky » Jul 7th, '10, 14:45

A huge amount of respect for you Megan..
A very very good friend of mine has the same problem as you do, she's just 12 but everyone accepts here the way she is.. being a transgender is difficuilt, but you'll find a way to live with it.

Respect. :wink:

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zoupzuop2
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Post by zoupzuop2 » Jul 7th, '10, 18:28

This must've been extremely difficult for you to say, Megan. I'm very glad, then, that you're able to trust us with this.
May I never let my passion obstruct my respect for others again.

Megan188
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Post by Megan188 » Jul 7th, '10, 20:23

Awww. thank you so much for the support, you guys! Although I still want to keep this a secret in real life until I'm done with high school, I know that I'm going to have to come out at some point.

Hopefully, it's all what comes from the inside that truly counts for you guys. I just feel a lot happier and more comfortable showing my inside self if I'm able to be the person I desperately wish I were.

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Post by the_ditz » Jul 7th, '10, 20:33

To anyone that dismisses what you have just bravely put into words here and tries to claim that you are any less of a person for it does not deserve any of your attention - not even pity.

Stand proud, smile every day, and be yourself - we all have our own personal turmoils to deal with inside (I know I do anyway), but the true test is whether you let them defeat you or whether you become stronger because of them.

Remember that I'm around if you ever need to talk, and like the others said thank you for feeling like you could trust us with such a big moment of your life. :)

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Densetsu13
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Post by Densetsu13 » Jul 7th, '10, 22:05

I might not ever know what it is you are, and will be, going through but as someone who majors in Sexology I understand what it is you're going through better than most people and still can't fathom the hurdles you've had to overcome with your identity.

I salute you for being true to yourself and I have nothing but the utmost respect for you for being so brave. Especially for someone in high school as well!

All the best in the future Megan =)

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Post by Bore » Jul 8th, '10, 04:26

Identity issues are often difficult phases for most of us. I can't speak for anyone else's behalf, but I had to endure a lot with just myself before I could really come out with my own feelings. So sort of feel where you're coming from.

A lot of respect for saying it out loud. Be who you wanna be, that's what matters the most.

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Post by WNight » Jul 8th, '10, 16:54

I can't help but be filled with respect towards you although I don't really know you all that well. I can totally relate to whatever you're saying, Just in a different way and having no chance to break loose of my false identity society imposed on me anytime soon.

Anyways, Stay strong. Society somehow has the sick obsession of trying to induce depression out of everyone but always stick to being yourself, It's the true satisfaction.
You and me like a fire tonight
Me and you 2 guardian angels
Now I feel your touch into my heart
A ray of sun~

- Guardian Angels / Oceania

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UFOPOLI
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Post by UFOPOLI » Jul 9th, '10, 14:07

Courageously spoken!

I'm also elated by the atmosphere of support manifesting here. It says good things about this community.
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I realize that funny time will take me higher

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drnrg
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Post by drnrg » Jul 9th, '10, 20:28

My girlfriend has many gay friends. It's not uncommon here in Baja Ca. for many males to be gay or for girls to have gay friends. In the years I have been living here quite a few of our friends have come out of the closet. some have shyed away from my group of friends, because not all are accepting of people's sexual preferences, but a couple still stay in close contact and feel the same way you do. From what they say, it is one of the hardest things to live with day by day.

Many respects Megan. I say be strong and glad with who you are. 8)

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Post by sonique » Aug 9th, '10, 11:42

I wonder if you are in a support group with other transgenders?

I'm really impressed by this & wish you good luck for your reallife coming out! Image

Megan188
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Post by Megan188 » Nov 1st, '11, 21:17

Since I've been a bit inconsistent over which account, #Infinity or Megan188, I've been using, I think I should explain my identity crisis a bit further.

When I originally came out earlier in this thread, I felt convinced that I was female on the inside, not male. Around the end of last school year, however, I started to question my identity. During that time, I had developed a serious crush on a girl from my graduating class, and it kind of reinforced my perception of my sexual orientation - that I was straight from a male point of view, not bisexual, as I thought before. Since I was graduating, I was also thinking a bit more about how I would conduct my future, and thinking in this framework, I felt more confined by general social norms, and as a result felt afraid to acknowledge my transgendered feelings. In a way, I think I had manifested much of my identity in the notion that, since I was straight and not radically feminine, it would make more sense for me to be outwardly male and not have to undergo the serious procedures of transitioning.

After having adjusted to college life a bit, and taking the time to think about it a bit more, however, my perception of the situation has matured again. In focusing more on my personal self, rather than simply what I am in the face of my peers, I've rediscovered just how much I feel like a girl inside. Really, my outward, male identity is just a protective cloak that I had adapted to, concealing my inner, female identity, which is really my more authentic self. True, I may not be the most stereotypically girly person ever, but I still have this really prominent voice inside my head that dictates that I'm female inside. It's kind of an intrinsic feeling that can't be explained by external norms. Trying to embrace this is not easy, but in the long run, I think that it is essential that I try to be as true to my own character as possible, even if it seems rather eccentric.

I'm sorry if this is all really complicated to understand. It probably doesn't make a whole lot of sense at a glance, but hopefully this at least clears up some of the questions regarding who I am.

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#Infinity
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Post by #Infinity » Jul 13th, '12, 05:59

Sigh...I wish I had never said anything here. I guess I was just going through a very weird experimental phase that I thought I was certain about at first, but now I feel like I was just being naive in thinking it was right to say that I was transgendered, of all things (I felt like this place would be a little safer to "come out" in front of, just because a large portion of the eurobeat community is LGBT in some way). Honestly, I've thought things out more and more since, and now I really think I'm just a fairly androgynous male - not super machismo, but not so feminine that I would take such an extreme measure as to change my body. I just hope that I can move on from the whole thing here, and that I haven't frightened any of you guys to the point where you feel truly uncomfortable whenever I post anything.
Image

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Post by Mindsweeper » Jul 14th, '12, 13:07

#Infinity wrote:Sigh...I wish I had never said anything here. I guess I was just going through a very weird experimental phase that I thought I was certain about at first, but now I feel like I was just being naive in thinking it was right to say that I was transgendered, of all things (I felt like this place would be a little safer to "come out" in front of, just because a large portion of the eurobeat community is LGBT in some way). Honestly, I've thought things out more and more since, and now I really think I'm just a fairly androgynous male - not super machismo, but not so feminine that I would take such an extreme measure as to change my body. I just hope that I can move on from the whole thing here, and that I haven't frightened any of you guys to the point where you feel truly uncomfortable whenever I post anything.
Gender flip this and you and I are exactly the same.

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#Infinity
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Post by #Infinity » Sep 18th, '13, 06:03

I should let you guys know that after more contemplation, I have finally realized my sincerely female identity. My original reversal of the decision was primarily based upon premature fear that I wouldn't be truly accepted for being transgendered, and that the most logical path would be to find a reason for still being male. As much as I have tried to just go along peacefully without questioning my gender, it's ultimately been impossible for me to completely ignore. Even if I would briefly distract myself from the notion, it would still chronically reappear because I have not felt comfortable expressing myself as a man. It feels awkward to me.

I have been officially transitioning from male to female since April, and I'm completely confident about it this time. I know not everybody is going to fully understand or embrace me for such an unconventional life decision, but I also know that I already feel much generally happier, and my state of mind feels much more congruent with my sense of self.

I'm going to continue using this account here, and if you must refer to me by my personal name, call me Jackie. I prefer it over Megan, since it's much closer to my original name and thus far easier for myself and others to adapt to.
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